What Does Your Future Spouse Look Like?

So following my article titled “Being Single and Christian”, I have received emails, young Godly women asking me what qualities to look for in a husband.
Question: I hope you are well. I just had the pleasure to read your article, Being Single and Christian. Well done. It really strengthened my resolve. Though I have made errors along my journey through life your article has showed me that despite my errors God still has a plan for my life. You raised a very fundamental topic, what qualities do I need in my future spouse. I have been struggling with that very subject and have been asking myself who can I turn to for guidance. I look forward to your response.
So instead of just keeping the responses to my inbox, I thought I will also do a follow up article on that. The truth is that you are the only one who knows what your husband will look like – not his face; but his character. After all, you will choose him (unless you have an arranged marriage).
What is important to you?
There are things in person that you can change and there are things that you cannot. Only God has power to change people, but God cannot change us if we won’t let him. So let’s work on what you know you can change and accept what you cannot change before you waste your time going out with him. Your simple guideline will be things that you really care about.
We all have different needs and priorities. For instance: Is God a big priority to you? Then you seek a man who is as passionate about God as you are. If you want to be in ministry –he must also have passion to serve God in his own way and/or be very supportive of you in your gift and calling. If you want kids, he must want kids. He must have genuine love and respect for you, your family, and all people around him.
If he has a vision –you have to really genuinely believe in his vision, because you will be required to support and cheer for him FOREVER. You will be his number 1 supporter and if you don’t believe in him or his vision – you going have a problem. Most importantly, if you want to have a good marriage, then he, and you, must know and believe the fundamental truths about what marriage is. And this- you must discuss in depth; otherwise you have no idea what you’re getting into until it’s too late.
You wouldn’t sign a life-long business contract with someone who had a totally different vision for the business than you, just because you liked the person! Yes, you want someone who can bring different strengths and ideas to the table than you do (otherwise one of you is unnecessary!), BUT you must have the have the same ultimate goal. The same is even more true and important for marriage, regarding you vision for marriage.
I think it’s also important to know that marriage requires total openness and honesty. You have to trust him enough to share things you otherwise wouldn’t share with anyone else. Many relationships lack trust because people are generally afraid to be judged or rejected. But that’s the point, your place is to be honest – it’s his problem if he judges you; and then you at least know if this is or is not a man you want to marry.
Don’t let anyone make you work for love. You are beautiful, smart and loved by God unconditionally. The man you want is the one who will see and appreciate that – and CHOSE to love and accept you with your flaws. We all have flaws. Love is not earned: it is a free gift. Your husband should choose to love you. And no matter how in love you feel with even the most perfect man on earth; in marriage there will be many days where you have to choose to love him; and when he will have to choose to love you.
“Seek a generous man (not rich)”, said ‘Pastor James’ when I was single. Find a man who works hard and smart. Remember wealth is more than just money; it is all of above put together. Clothes, hairstyles, car, house and a six-pack – those things may be changed. You can always work to get a better car or house. He can always go to gym (if he’s willing).
After you guys are married, it’s his character and his heart that will matter. You can’t change his heart; and you are in no position to change anyone’s character. You can’t make anyone respect you and others, and you can’t make him love God and people.
So look for the things that make him who he truly is, know what his core values are, and seek character.
PS: My audience is mostly girls but this goes for men too.
Nontobeko Cox

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